Category: Healing heart

Have you ever felt so empty, numb, and tight? Wanting to discover more of that sensation but end up at a dead end? After gone through a traumatic relationship that you feel as if everything left to discover was to blame? Reliving stories of hurt just to feel something again. Fantasying about the past and futures that collide with the trauma just so something makes sense.

As someone that just got out of a serious relationship with a narcissist, borderline personality, Cluster B disorder individual. I’ve lived a dramatic part that many liked to say they haven’t. Its so common with these types of experiences to shut down the body, mindfulness, and ultimently unconditional love. The love we can only receive within truly ourselves and spirit. Eventually we can only describe ourselves as numb. The hole we dug is so deep that there is no image of hope in climbing out. The shame and the protective self has a hold on the view of seeing that sun. We as humans deal with trauma in so many ways. Distracting ourselves as much as possible. For so long I thought my distractions were healthy ones. I’ve always wanted to help others, this has always been my role. I’ve had so much breakthroughs in my life and aha moments that I felt like it was my duty to share it all. Because why on earth would I want another young soul to go through half the crap I did and not have the tools I do. In all honestly I really do love helping and I love to write about deep things. These aha moments shouldn’t just be kept to myself. As I climb back into my writing I’ve taken a new path. One I think that will really benefit the future.

I want to remind you all that I still struggle and still am working hard on myself. The journey of healing is a never ending one. But getting past the protective self and into the depth of the core wound is my main focus. Before I felt like I was making up problems and putting myself in situations where I could just write about the solutions. So that I had that experience for teachings. That was all manufactured, although I do stand by all my writings of teaching. The manufactured ways can no longer serve me or others. What I feel and teach are 100 percent pure. Last year I dug myself 7 layers deeper in my hole. I stopped my curiosity and fell into a distraction of an ill relationship. When I fell so deep and finally tried to bomb my way out the discovery of how far I was only made me lose hope in everything I believed to be as me. Lost identity drove me into a numb unpleasant feeling. I wasn’t allowing myself to hurt over the right things. My view was severally disoriented. I mean how could you trust yourself after someone you believed to have loved you and would do nothing to hurt you totally break your trust and go above and beyond to lie about everything you built. Not only invalidate every feeling you had but still put a burden of saying I’m the one to blame. It’s crazy how the mind works once love is in the view.

One of my aha moments was when I realized my healing techniques were based around an affirmation I had no idea was one I was placing myself upon. I’ve always love helping to heal but the affirmation was “I’m strong enough so I can take this pain, I can handle it.” Yes I am strong but I shouldn’t be obligated to take on others pain just because I can handle it. Therefor I’m just asking for pain and that’s all I could attract. Apart of being strong is knowing your boundaries. One thing I’ve struggled with my whole life. Fearing of saying no and having someone be disappointed in me or even losing them. Disrespecting myself in so many ways because it’s easier. We all tell ourselves that there is time for ourselves later. But how do we know we’ve gone too far? Is it when we’re the ones left feeling abandon and rejected? Or is it before all the madness happens? Do we take the time to ask ourselves the simple questions before the fight or flight mode kicks in? The key is balance with equal time you can start to respect your boundaries before hell breaks out.

As always I promise to continue writing. This is a safe place for everyone. I love to hear any stories or questions. My main focus as of right now is myself, nurturing my soul, and learning to be kind to myself through this healing. Also this is a great tool I use in writing my book. Currently working but still never easy to find inspiration some days. The book I am reading and almost finished with right now is Whole again by the same author as I mentioned in my current post Psychopath Free great author Jackson MacKenzie. In my personal opinion Whole Again puts the best of healing from very toxic relationships. It focuses on you and your healing rather than the focus of the relationship. It gives ground breaking advise about how and why you got to where you are from this toxic experience.

As we try to move on and heal, at most its very hard when they’re is no closure involved. As if it burns and stings for longer. Damaging your next relationship/friendship. One way that helps is to understand your own point of view. To give attention to what you can gain and move forward. I tend to write these people a hand written letter.  Telling exactly how you feel and without catering to their opinion. Just exactly what went on and how you felt. Don’t send it. Its only for you to take a step in accepting. Before gaining any sense of closure you have to first begin with you. Because you were also a huge part of the relationship. It might simply be that you needed more than what that person could  provide.

One of my most recent relationships I’d discovered how blinded I had become. Caring and giving much much more than what I was able to provide to have a healthy self. All my attention went into helping this person. In the end I had no energy to see what was happening. I had weakened the strongest part of me. I was brainwashed by this person who was of afraid of me. Afraid because they knew damn well I deserved more. Selfish, So he could keep my bright light all to himself. It wasn’t until I became the angerist I’d ever have been since I was a young girl before my knowledge of how powerful I could be.  I lost me. I wrote a little something on tumblr one night and it sorta struck me hard. Why did I let this person poison me? How was I able to ignore this much anger?

I say this all sounding like he’s a horrible person but he really isn’t. I was more mad at myself for letting this happen. He is a great guy, just wasn’t able to provide what I needed. Didn’t know how to care for a person like me. How am I to be angry at a person who simply doesn’t know better. Thats never had experience with a women who really can understand and accept a lot more. Part of me gave up near the end. I began to lash out without giving a reason. I was short, distant, and angry. How was he suppose to fix anything if I never gave him a chance to know?

Each relationship shows you more about yourself then ever. Please don’t chose to ignore once its all over. This is the time when you can become so much more whole.  To begin a better life for you. The more you know you, then the better the next person will know you and cater to your wellbeing.

First of all happy love day! A lot of people tend to not be grateful for this day due to the fact that its resombles love. Which they attach the word and feeling of love to a person.  Causing them a cloud of unhappy emotions. At the same time they choose that. Today is a day about love, your amazing heart. Not about relationships. There is love in almost everything you do. Its a day to celebrate the excitment the passion there love in everything you do. Be cheerful today knowing your heart is shinning, gifting, the universe with joy. There is oh so much love in the air. Sometimes its harder to find because you seem to be so fixed on an outcome or idea that is not quite meant for you in this moment, time. We all have hurt in us but you can choose how you let the universe see it and know it. So on this day be grateful knowing you have the ability to love. That in itself has the power to heal many wounds.

So this one was actually kind of tough for me. I’m still learning till this day about myself. Okay let’s dive in. One of key parts of being in a healthy relationship is knowing how to communicate with one another. One way is seeing in how your partner and you can better understand each other  “hear” your love.  Does your partner appreciate physical love? Such as random acts of kissing and hugging and etc. Or do They prefer being reassured by verbal preferences. Such as saying “I love you” often or “I care about you”? Or do they appreciate the common random act of receiving gifts. Such as small things or big things that’s physical that they can hold and touch.  It doesn’t have to be expensive just something that honours your partner. Once you are able to identify what they appreciate more then you are able to express the love they can truly see.  We are all different and have different needs in relationships. Which is  totally okay as long as you’re open with your partner about your needs.

Heres something that alot of young people struggle with. This be myself included. A Lot of the times we completely surround our life around our partners. As compassionate people we want to help and care as much as we can for the people we love. But there is a limit in which can be unhealthy.  We start to take on their energy that can be exhausting. If your partner has had a busy or stressful day you soon take on that energy of stress and overload that does not belong to you.  Be understanding of course, just know that isn’t your energy to take on. It’s okay to take a step back from it to find your true energy.

Be aware of how much time you spend together. There comes a point where we all need alone time. Its very important to spend time with yourself and thoughts. To gain the trust in our whole being back. To clear our pallet of toxic energy. Self growth is vital in a relationship.  You need to be able to be comfortable with yourself in order for you to be comfortable with the person you love. Simply communicate that this nothing against your partner you just need to regain a connection with yourself.

Arguments can almost take over a relationship that’s why it’s best to set a ground of what areas your sensitive in. With me I found that writing letters helped significantly.  If you feel a heated argument coming on simply just take yourself away from the situation. Assess yourself before coming back to the conversation. Man can I tell you how dangerous that is to start talking from your ego. If you want to address a certain situation that is sensitive. Write out a rough draft, find out your true meaning behind it. Then simply bring it up in a sensitive matter. One that can empower you both. Never overload it with more than one sensitive issue. Because it may cause your partner to feel as if you are  talking down to them. As if you are pointing out all your flaws.

In the end Respect one another and come from a point of understanding first before you come in judgmental mode. And always be honest and open to whatever is going on so they can better understand how to communicate with you. So you can grow together.

I really want to write about this more but the words will soon come for me to share to you all.   Thank you!

Seems as if a lot of friends coming to me with advice about this topic lately. Mostly because over the course of this year I’ve been up and down and turned around over men. Somehow I managed to stay upbeat and continue to grow from it all. So first off about a year ago I ended my what you could call first serious relationship. We were together for a year and a half. I did something that wasn’t respectful at all that caused our relationship to end. For awhile after that I was ignoring the huge guilt I had put on myself. I started to notice a pattern with all my relationships. I was reading a book at the time “Lightworker Relationships” which reminded me of the laws of attraction. My pattern showed me that I wasn’t changing the way I went into these relationships. My whole thought processes was never clear. So then as I began midway in these romances I would find myself disappointed. Knowing what I knew they just wanted nothing more than what we had. I was attracting people who weren’t so sure about the next decision in their lives which was pretty much how I felt.  As soon as I realized that, I wanted to open my eyes to so much more. So by doing that I started to study all my relationships and I really do mean study. I looked at the person I was when I first met that someone. What my goals were what I was needing and feeling. What was my energy like? I looked at those same things but from what I knew and saw from that certain partner. Soon I was able to see why we were attracted towards one another. Just by that alone I could see what I learned from every one of these relationships. It was able to give me a sense of closure. Through every breakup there is really no room to blame. Everything happens to us for reasons of becoming who you are truly meant to be. There really is no absolute happiness without pain and suffrage.  Through this processes of learning how to be independent again you must give yourself time. To accept the pain you may feel in this moment. I used to think being too emotional was one of my flaws. Honestly it’s the strongest part of me. It reminds me that I can identify how I feel without having to push it deep deep down. Most people don’t know how. They’ve numbed themselves to the point where they can no longer identify. Being aware of your emotions and feelings is already such a huge and vital step. There is definitely a lot more I want to touch up on this topic. As this being my first post on my blog I hope I am able give some light and clarity to you all.