Category: Imagine

Not sure where I stand at the moment. I know I always apologize for never writing but that’s my nature. I feel bad for anyone that I don’t reach for or feel bad that I take my own time even though I know its healthy for me. I still feel horrible for never being what I used to be.

Thats actually a huge subject that’s been weighing heavy with me. Not being the best as I was.

I’ve wrote so much this past year but just don’t have the guts anymore or the fear or lack of energy. The thing is ever since Colorado I noticed a huge change in my lack of energy for anything anymore. Which is sad. But I value my health more than ever lately and my energy cycle is completely different than it ever has been. Thats why I’m mostly sorry. I used to be able to punch out my feelings and words of wisdom like no other with no doubts but now its me trying to regain energy to even get out of bed. Let me tell you a traumatic relationship can really carry on years later. Even if you’re totally over every situation and the person. The thing is I carry so much within myself. That I always reflect on myself first and only. So the blame and hate always goes back to me. Even though I knew it wasn’t true, when I came back I was all about blame. Time went on and it wasn’t blame I felt. It was all the realization of letting me hurt myself the way I did. It was hard to except that I didn’t have control.

Being in this new relationship but also not new. Its crazy how drastic it all changed within my intent. I tried to write so much of how it became to be. To give hope to others being stuck after a toxic trait of living. I was able to write so deep about my pain and past but not how deep within my new man came to be. Eventually I’ll be able to write about that without refection so hard on the past. The biggest struggle that I’ve had lately is not being okay with how I’m not the better person anymore. My boyfriend is literally the best I could have ever asked for. As Im trying to get to the main struggle I have right now, is that why I don’t have so much more energy for shitty people in my life? Like I went beyond words for these people that never gave me anything. Now I have the best person in my life and I want to give him everything and beyond because I know he deserves it more than anyone. I just feel so burnt out from people that I feel so sorry that he has to have me in this condition.

I used to always be so on-top of everything and now its like I get the bare-minimum done. I also share that I work a different hormonal scale. I realize that now, also so much apart of me feels horribly bad. My head doesn’t want to accept that its my best right now because my old best was so much better before. Dealing with these new symptoms of not knowing what the hell it does to my personal energy. This sucks..! I used to always mediate, work on my yoga and belly dancing. Before I left for Colorado my only concerns were will I ever find my inner peace? Will I ever find my passion? But most of all will I ever find love? It’s sad to think of my main energy focus when I left. Mostly cuz I see myself now and the mistakes that were made, they carry heavy more than ever.

After reflecting everything in my life, being 23 now I realize all my friendships and relationships were not what I thought. I was mostly abused by manipulative. Whats sad is that I thought it was okay, because I saw there light and they didn’t. they used me for my light and now I want to share my light with someone that actually deserves it and I feel burnt out. Out of everything that makes me feel the worst. Is that I used all my young bright energy on people that never really cared in the end. Now I have the love of my life and I want to prove that I can do better all the time. Because right now I feel this isn’t how it should be. Ive been writing my book but its so hard when I feel like I’m not even doing my best at home. Maybe I put too much pressure on myself. I just know I’m not doing the best I can right now. Thats very frustrating.

If you read this then thank you, I have many other things to write just have a hard time. Because I loved my early work, I don’t want to let that girl down. I just know I have a-lot of new life under my belt. Mostly trauma stuff which I’m not able to develop the process of things that had happened just yet. Hopefully I have the oppurtunity to work in therapy again. I know that would change some views instead of working in my own brain. Love you all thank you.

So as you’ve noticed I’ve taken some time off from here and from all other socials for a bit. After everything I went through in the past year I thought it was best to take a step back from writing and really take a look at myself in depth. Durning my trip I started reading a lot more as well as practicing meditations.  You wouldn’t believe the enlightening moments I’ve had this past few months really discovering what needed to be uncovered. One of the biggest things was realizing that I myself have changed dramatically.

After reading a page from Oprahs book The wisdom of Sundays which the the article was the conversation from Tony Robbins, another great influential mind.  Oprah asks “what is the number one rules you would offer someone to becoming their most authentic self? Because thats really what we’re all looking for. How do I just be more of me?”

Tony Robbins- “I think its allowing yourself to be spontaneous instead of responding to how you think your supposed to be, we’ve all developed an identity, a sense of who we think we are and who we’re not. You define yourself not only by who you think you are but also by who you’re not. and those definitions were usually made ten, twenty, thirty, forty years ago. And we rarely upgrade them unless we have an abrupt experience that makes us reevaluate our lives. So to consciously decide, “who am I today? What do I stand for? What am I here for? What am I here to give? What am I here to learn? What am I here to grow? What am I here to enjoy? And to spontaneously try things.”

Alrighty so the rest is in her book there but the main thing that stood out was the fact that as we grow we change. Not only our values but our source of thought. I have come to learn that we all and me especially need to slow down and really value who we are after everything. I tried so hard to be the  innocent girl that everyone adored the one who broke to many hearts, in a not so forgiving way. Over that course of time I was proving and pushing that she still existed.  But not looking at my self in reflection and seeing what monster really was proven to be me.

After the summer I had taken off to relax and connect with myself again. I noticed as I was trying to prove something like I was before. I didn’t understand, I felt a little better I was getting sleep. Making healthier choices. Wasn’t letting myself be treated unfairly by others. Just thinking shouldn’t I feel more motived, inspired, or enlightened. So I decided to go back to main sources of books that made me feel the best of all ways. Which are Lightworrker Relationships and also Lightworker by my absolute favorite Sahvanna Arienta. It came to show how I’ve shut down channels to my heart chakra. Which results in not channeling any love energy from any source. Then the shut down begins as you’re not able to attract the healthy love energy. Shutting down one of your seven heart chakras causes you to over use over absorb all the other channels. Resulting in an unbalanced energy frequency. After failed connected and wrong attractions,  I told myself I was needed to work on myself in depth. Not knowing that was a voice of ego. Proving and pushing the fact that I didn’t accept how my relationships were going. Protecting myself from heart break. It wasn’t all wrong I did need some time for myself to really get back in balance. But approaching the wrong way. Not letting myself be vulnerable to the truth, becoming a victim in my story. It struck me as my sister and I get into discussion. She tells me as she trying to heal old wounds that she need to forgive the girl that did this and that. Putting herself in third person was an enlightening moment for me. I realized as I try to prove I’m this person that is healthier and wiser. So focused on proving because that image of the hurt and exhausted girl was still there, bothering me. Knowing damn well if I did all the work of healing I wouldn’t be this frustrated with what I once was. Next step is to heal and forgive the voice of my past. I may not be there yet but as cheesy as I could put it life will always be throwing you in the direction of growth and lessons.

I see how this post is not like my others. I was guided to get my sense of story out here for you guys. I’ll be sure to write through all my lessons and enlightenment. Thank you for reading, and of course I wish you all the warming light and positive energy frequency.

 

Today as I arrived at the local second hand bookstore I dive straight for the spiritual section. As for me its hard to just pick out a random book and settle into it. I take sweet time to research. In this being on vacation thing I decided to give a few randoms a try. I gave faith and prayer that I would learn and hear what I needed. Sure enough I started to read and the way it was structured was how I started building this blog. To help people understand my beliefs and thoughts a little better without having all the background knowledge. One page had me spark all interests. “We do not require you to believe anything we teach. You may accept or not, as you see fit.” It goes on to say many people do as they say to do or a person says to do because their end result was so pleasing. But in todays world we are changing, evolving faster then ever now. We know so much more within each new age. So why put a limitation on what’s possible.

In todays world we’ve been so prone to have that instant gratification that we never really slow down to think and question why my body feels the ways it does. Or how this make me feel? It’s more about the easy no thought solution. Causing all of us to lead on this pattern of hurt, feeling ill, struggle with oneself. Feeding us the common answers. Pretty soon our world will all have gone to the common. Leading the true fact of us all being different lost. You think you know yourself? Or do you know your common self? The one with little to no thought? The truth is we must find a balance, but your own. There’re so many simple ways to center yourself to make sure we can get on a level with balance for our individual selves. It takes time so thats how many are driven to the instant lifestyle. Focus on your clarity, reminding you to be curious about you, the acts, the outcomes, the physical, and mental feeling. Biggest step to changing any part of your life around.

I encourage many on seeing other points of views. Being open to any opportunity that you may be pulled towards. Yes its very nice to have guidance from someone or something but do not settle for that being the only answer. Whats great about this world is every little thing can spark many different interests in us all. Many times I found myself only being guided by my mother which of course she is a great teacher and amazing person that have become very inspirational with every word we share. Soon as I opened up to a little more I saw how I can flourish on my own. Then my spiritual voice seemed to be louder. I was able to guided by my angels more.  Because I had the confidence the faith. So please never settle for the common in this world. Your choice on how you want to see this universe, how you want it to treat you.

There is only so much you can do mentally before you realize the change needs to happen physically. Challenges are where we make the best new versions of ourselves. Giving us the growth and tools to help heal. As for me I’ve pushed my clarity of thought for needing this dramatic change. I brainwashed to think I could do it all here. See the same people and do the same thing, where it seems as if you’ve become a robot to your own life. Not wanting or wishing for newer goals. Trying to stay afloat with the old ones that already have been much to accomplished. As you ignore, the body kicks into gear giving you the pain and sickness no one can explain.

About a week ago I caught up with some old friends and also meeting new ones. It just dawned on me. We all have this inspiring image to be. You forget that people are capable of bounding with your deep spirit. People that you shouldn’t expect to come about but as humans we do. Talking about true meaningful depths.  Made me come to a realization that my time, energy, and soul power was being wasted on things also people that were not able to provide what my healing needed. So I bit the bullet and did what seemed the hardest to do. I explained that my purpose was not being used here. I’ve grown and lost a person from my everyday job. Giving up and catering to people because it seemed easiest but also expected in my stance.

As I’ve said before I tend to run my best when I make rash decisions. Because without much thought then the less expectations  get put into this weighted basket. If the basket falls not much of a disappointment can be emtionally triggered towards your being. So that being sad with no real plan. (As my mom says) “Haven never really has a plan but always ends up somewhere beautiful”. I booked myself a one way ticket to Australia. Not sure where this land will take me or what great imagery will change me. I’m just beyond thrilled that I know I’m finally on the path for striving for more. Bettering myself without ignoring the fears.

Sometimes we get so consumed by this world. Our money, jobs, families and friends that we forget and slowly lose who we are. Almost 8 months ago I was probably at my peak with my relationship with myself but through other influences, stress, and also the feeling of loneliness. That I began to spiral out of my realm of who I was and what true things made me ME. It got to the point where I felt it was to exhausting to zone in on myself and ignore the hurt I have been feeling. I went back to my roots and started to look back on my old research. What made me so strong then? What steps did I take to attract what I wanted?

First thing I knew to do was write about what I love about myself. I started writing then realizing half way through that this wasn’t me anymore. As much as I wanted it to be me. So then I asked for spiritual guidance. Asking my higher power what I could do to find myself again. Then it dinged. I’ve given so much of my time for people that were in need that their energy started to ware off on me. Creating this thought process that wasn’t my own. I’m still the same crazy goofy girl I know just a little more tired and of course more educated by all my experiences that have taught me so much. Its hard to remind yourself that quiet time with your being is a must. You have to ignore the voice saying you don’t have the time or energy to deal with these things. Its crazy how much time we waste by thinking this logic. You could have figured a lot about yourself by now if you didn’t ignore or push that feeling away.

I encourage to write because its the most powerful thing you can do in this lifetime. Its something you can learn from. Making history with yourself and emotions. Its crazy to look back on my journal to hear my voice as I was writing seeing the place I was in. To know I’ve came a long way from that person gives so much confidence in my future. Also you forget as time goes on the little things that help you get back on track. Be brave and write exactly what you wish and need. Time goes on you see everything has a purpose. You see how things just fit perfectly for your certain soul. Never think this universe isn’t on your side because it is. You just have to look deep. It shows plenty record.

People are getting lazy. They see things as a whole, whats starring them right in the face or what they heard or seen. Lately no one seems to think or act like there is a background. Their is a story a bleeding heart behind that pissed off face. We seem to be offended be the obviouse words of hate but use it against the things we do not agree on. We are not speaking our truth when we claim to be offended by a simple opinion of others that does not agree on our back story.

Many to all of us have had very loud influences in our lives starting young. Creating our own thoughts and opinions tend to draw a lot of history from the influence. But what happens when we get older and see and different world the world of our own? Do you continue to follow the path of the ones that influenced us in the first place or do we gather our own facts and learn as we go? To many people see so much fear and creating their own opinion and thoughts which drives them to live a very depressing life of pleasing others.  I’m asking you to create your own passionate thoughts. That as little to no one will approve of.

I’v always seem to choose the loud and exciting things. No matter the consequence I just went seem to be drawn to it all. I would ask my self over and over again why do I jump the gun? Why don’t I think and wait before I jump. I soon realized that was the greatest strength. Because as long as I stayed true to my passions and myself then it will all work out in the end. Which it always did work out in the best of ways. For example school was a huge debate with me. Its something that the government and many adults told me I need to get done. I struggled madly. Not many teachers were interested in keeping and ADHD kid in line as they watched me fall off the deep end. Some would say things in concern but never went out of their way to make me feel as I was doing them any good. Here I am today still have never graduated high school. I worked hard to where I am. I am a manager of a well known busy cafe. Also have become very wealthy from a commercial for coke cola. Which in that case I just kept my mind set open. Knowing everything is set in front of me for me. Its my path. As long as I believe in my self and strength. No government no adult no person can stop me on my journey . Because this universe has proven me multiple times that if I just be my true self and show my true kind heart. Then everything will work out.

Growing up I always found myself as an outsider. Never really keeping the same friends never really connecting with anyone my age. It took a dramatic rumbling experience for me realize that my qualities of making me an outsider was where I felt I belonged.  I noticed when I pushed myself away from all those outside voices that I would find my own voice and values. I was always the child that was dramatic or explosive. But aching for a feeling of wanting to be cool calm and collected. Because most of the people that I saw as that, were not bothered by anything. Then I look back on all the experiences where I was explosive. Seeing how I knew my feelings and my emotions.

I attended this class as I was going through this dramatic change in my lifestyle and mindset. I soon heard all my other classmates stories. Hearing how they have no idea what the fuck they’re feeling and why they feel that way. Here I am jabbering on about how anger I was at some silly thing and could pinpoint every feeling. I soon began to see this explosive side of me one of my greatest strengths. Being able to out right tell you how they are feeling  is something most people fear. As I began to expand my knowledge and  learn to read deep into myself and study my life and patterns. I found that the greatest of all people have been so attracted to this side of myself. Seeing as if they love to be with someone that is truly every part of themselves.

My message through all of this is to never fear the feeling or emotions. We all have them. Even the strongest of all people. The way it seems people run by now is a need to have a feeling of belonging. If you seek this feeling you will never find solitude.  The greatest gift you can give this world is to be your true authentic self. The universe craves for it. We all want to feel important and cared for. By giving the gift of your true self to this world is opening up so many doors to the greater of life. There is no room to blame others for how things end or begin. Give yourself credit for everything you do that you know is true to yourself. Like speaking up about your thoughts and how you feel. Fear is only source that can stop you from living this amazing life. Guess who has the option to listening to the voice of fear and speaking out against it? Thats right, you do! Give the gift of belonging to yourself. Because no one has that power. A great quote I found on a website will stay with me wherever I go. ” No one is you, and that is your power”. Remember you have the option to choose fear or the hurt. Because no one has the power to change YOU unless you change YOU!

Of course I love to hear feedback from any of my writing. Also I know I’m not the best at writing. As I’ve been told my whole life but I’m here to share my ideas and great thoughts to help and heal others.

Even if I may not share the views with someone. I have never felt alone while I’ve been touched with the outside world. It’s as if someone shot a beam of light through my toes up to the higher me. The roots make me feel as if I were home. The energy of whole. 

As this season of fall approaches us, I know many of you feel as if you are alone. A great quote from Dr. Carl Jung helped me understand the feeling of loneliness, “As a child I felt myself to be alone, and I am still. Because  I know things and must hint at things that others apparently know nothing of, and for the most part do not want to know. Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”

The reason I created this blog was I wanted to be vocalize my thoughts and ideas that I was no longer able to share with my peers. Losing that connections with others. Soon I was the only one I had. Realizing I needed to reach for a more broad surface. It saddens me how people tend to numb or block off the deep meanings behind it all. Mostly because it reaches a sensitive area which immediately  triggers a fear in our brain. With fear as humans we’re wired to run from it. Causing us to really never go beyond what we know. Killing curiosity and thoughts that bring us to grow. If you want to be able to change then  you have to stop refusing to confront the truth. Accept what ever feelings and emotions you have. Because that’s pushing a big part of your truth down to never been seen.

Feeling alone comes with nature. But don’t allow it consume you. Feeding you the idea of this is what you “need” and it will fix everything. The results will only begin to grow the feeling of loneliness stronger. Put yourself in place where you are alone. Because the more you push yourself into situations where you are social you’ll begin to feel more alone with lose of connection. For people to be able  to connect with you then you have to find a connection with yourself. Otherwise you’re going to be searching to long and hard. Ending in sadness and self doubt. Do what you love on your own. Get distracted by your passions and desires. Most importantly love yourself through this transitions and know that whatever the situations may be you are never alone.  Turns out no one knows how to solve your own problems better than you do.

I do apologize for my lack of writing lately.  A series of events have occurred in my life causing me to find little and not time for myself.

As of recently I’ve wanting to do more with my healing strategies and techniques. By doing that I created this blog.  I did it to push myself to motivate me to do what I love. Which is help heal others with a push of positivity and guide them to their true selves. My current job I’ve noticed as my needs are not being met. I feel drained. I no longer feel as myself. That can drive an Empath, like myself to depression and other negative spirals. This blog has given me a sense of confidence. Knowing what I’m doing is affecting others in a positive way.   That’s what I want most of all. I want a job that gives me that opportunity. But professionally I have no records to prove. My goal is to find a job where I can incorporate my guides for healing but also guide others in a spiritual way. Of course involving the great outdoors in it all. Because that’s where I truly strive. I feel as if blast of positive energy and light illuminates my thoughts. Where I am at my best.