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Old Best Wishing New

Not sure where I stand at the moment. I know I always apologize for never writing but that’s my nature. I feel bad for anyone that I don’t reach for or feel bad that I take my own time even though I know its healthy for me. I still feel horrible for never being what I used to be.

Thats actually a huge subject that’s been weighing heavy with me. Not being the best as I was.

I’ve wrote so much this past year but just don’t have the guts anymore or the fear or lack of energy. The thing is ever since Colorado I noticed a huge change in my lack of energy for anything anymore. Which is sad. But I value my health more than ever lately and my energy cycle is completely different than it ever has been. Thats why I’m mostly sorry. I used to be able to punch out my feelings and words of wisdom like no other with no doubts but now its me trying to regain energy to even get out of bed. Let me tell you a traumatic relationship can really carry on years later. Even if you’re totally over every situation and the person. The thing is I carry so much within myself. That I always reflect on myself first and only. So the blame and hate always goes back to me. Even though I knew it wasn’t true, when I came back I was all about blame. Time went on and it wasn’t blame I felt. It was all the realization of letting me hurt myself the way I did. It was hard to except that I didn’t have control.

Being in this new relationship but also not new. Its crazy how drastic it all changed within my intent. I tried to write so much of how it became to be. To give hope to others being stuck after a toxic trait of living. I was able to write so deep about my pain and past but not how deep within my new man came to be. Eventually I’ll be able to write about that without refection so hard on the past. The biggest struggle that I’ve had lately is not being okay with how I’m not the better person anymore. My boyfriend is literally the best I could have ever asked for. As Im trying to get to the main struggle I have right now, is that why I don’t have so much more energy for shitty people in my life? Like I went beyond words for these people that never gave me anything. Now I have the best person in my life and I want to give him everything and beyond because I know he deserves it more than anyone. I just feel so burnt out from people that I feel so sorry that he has to have me in this condition.

I used to always be so on-top of everything and now its like I get the bare-minimum done. I also share that I work a different hormonal scale. I realize that now, also so much apart of me feels horribly bad. My head doesn’t want to accept that its my best right now because my old best was so much better before. Dealing with these new symptoms of not knowing what the hell it does to my personal energy. This sucks..! I used to always mediate, work on my yoga and belly dancing. Before I left for Colorado my only concerns were will I ever find my inner peace? Will I ever find my passion? But most of all will I ever find love? It’s sad to think of my main energy focus when I left. Mostly cuz I see myself now and the mistakes that were made, they carry heavy more than ever.

After reflecting everything in my life, being 23 now I realize all my friendships and relationships were not what I thought. I was mostly abused by manipulative. Whats sad is that I thought it was okay, because I saw there light and they didn’t. they used me for my light and now I want to share my light with someone that actually deserves it and I feel burnt out. Out of everything that makes me feel the worst. Is that I used all my young bright energy on people that never really cared in the end. Now I have the love of my life and I want to prove that I can do better all the time. Because right now I feel this isn’t how it should be. Ive been writing my book but its so hard when I feel like I’m not even doing my best at home. Maybe I put too much pressure on myself. I just know I’m not doing the best I can right now. Thats very frustrating.

If you read this then thank you, I have many other things to write just have a hard time. Because I loved my early work, I don’t want to let that girl down. I just know I have a-lot of new life under my belt. Mostly trauma stuff which I’m not able to develop the process of things that had happened just yet. Hopefully I have the oppurtunity to work in therapy again. I know that would change some views instead of working in my own brain. Love you all thank you.

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Numb

Have you ever felt so empty, numb, and tight? Wanting to discover more of that sensation but end up at a dead end? After gone through a traumatic relationship that you feel as if everything left to discover was to blame? Reliving stories of hurt just to feel something again. Fantasying about the past and futures that collide with the trauma just so something makes sense.

As someone that just got out of a serious relationship with a narcissist, borderline personality, Cluster B disorder individual. I’ve lived a dramatic part that many liked to say they haven’t. Its so common with these types of experiences to shut down the body, mindfulness, and ultimently unconditional love. The love we can only receive within truly ourselves and spirit. Eventually we can only describe ourselves as numb. The hole we dug is so deep that there is no image of hope in climbing out. The shame and the protective self has a hold on the view of seeing that sun. We as humans deal with trauma in so many ways. Distracting ourselves as much as possible. For so long I thought my distractions were healthy ones. I’ve always wanted to help others, this has always been my role. I’ve had so much breakthroughs in my life and aha moments that I felt like it was my duty to share it all. Because why on earth would I want another young soul to go through half the crap I did and not have the tools I do. In all honestly I really do love helping and I love to write about deep things. These aha moments shouldn’t just be kept to myself. As I climb back into my writing I’ve taken a new path. One I think that will really benefit the future.

I want to remind you all that I still struggle and still am working hard on myself. The journey of healing is a never ending one. But getting past the protective self and into the depth of the core wound is my main focus. Before I felt like I was making up problems and putting myself in situations where I could just write about the solutions. So that I had that experience for teachings. That was all manufactured, although I do stand by all my writings of teaching. The manufactured ways can no longer serve me or others. What I feel and teach are 100 percent pure. Last year I dug myself 7 layers deeper in my hole. I stopped my curiosity and fell into a distraction of an ill relationship. When I fell so deep and finally tried to bomb my way out the discovery of how far I was only made me lose hope in everything I believed to be as me. Lost identity drove me into a numb unpleasant feeling. I wasn’t allowing myself to hurt over the right things. My view was severally disoriented. I mean how could you trust yourself after someone you believed to have loved you and would do nothing to hurt you totally break your trust and go above and beyond to lie about everything you built. Not only invalidate every feeling you had but still put a burden of saying I’m the one to blame. It’s crazy how the mind works once love is in the view.

One of my aha moments was when I realized my healing techniques were based around an affirmation I had no idea was one I was placing myself upon. I’ve always love helping to heal but the affirmation was “I’m strong enough so I can take this pain, I can handle it.” Yes I am strong but I shouldn’t be obligated to take on others pain just because I can handle it. Therefor I’m just asking for pain and that’s all I could attract. Apart of being strong is knowing your boundaries. One thing I’ve struggled with my whole life. Fearing of saying no and having someone be disappointed in me or even losing them. Disrespecting myself in so many ways because it’s easier. We all tell ourselves that there is time for ourselves later. But how do we know we’ve gone too far? Is it when we’re the ones left feeling abandon and rejected? Or is it before all the madness happens? Do we take the time to ask ourselves the simple questions before the fight or flight mode kicks in? The key is balance with equal time you can start to respect your boundaries before hell breaks out.

As always I promise to continue writing. This is a safe place for everyone. I love to hear any stories or questions. My main focus as of right now is myself, nurturing my soul, and learning to be kind to myself through this healing. Also this is a great tool I use in writing my book. Currently working but still never easy to find inspiration some days. The book I am reading and almost finished with right now is Whole again by the same author as I mentioned in my current post Psychopath Free great author Jackson MacKenzie. In my personal opinion Whole Again puts the best of healing from very toxic relationships. It focuses on you and your healing rather than the focus of the relationship. It gives ground breaking advise about how and why you got to where you are from this toxic experience.

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New Found Expression

Decided to share a new style of my writing that I think many can relate to. Keep in mind this isn’t like a my other post. It’s a piece that I’m expressing my emotions of trapped anger. Much work to be done of course. I say because I’m such a perfectionist towards my work and visions.

-I lost you honey. Were all gonna die. Baby I told you I loved you, but that wasn’t enough. I want to tell the truth but you won’t let me. Coming out the good guy with no word was the plan. The less you spoke the more you knew I would begin to wonder. The more your brain began to process what would happen the more you shut out. You wanted this babe. You wanted me to yell and scream. You wanted me to see how ugly you are. But what hurts the most is you couldn’t just tell. You had to show, show  how much you wanted me gone. You couldn’t bare emotions because you have none. You wouldn’t dare show anything towards me. Because of course that would share weakness to new victim. How dare you open my wounds to a new victim. She can only and will only know my words of outburst babe. 

I held you. Your actions were towards the factors of healing. But no, would you ever give anyone that satisfaction? Not even me? The one that held you close every night and told you I loved you. Of course you put your problems first. So did I. Your health was the more important than fucking war. You had no problem speaking. But then it came to truth and there was not a word spoken. Suddenly it was all my fault, my problems. When in fact you created this. You wanted all my focus gone. All on you. Because of course you’re the most important thing ever. Your vision is more important. All for that reason of you going places and I’m not. Because my vision was less important. When you poured all my belief into yours. Your disabilities made it seem as if your light and vision only last a certain time. Time that I spent making sure things were right. So that this creation of vision would come true. Making sure your head was okay to be the most successful you could be. Because that was the most important. Your vision, your health.  

If I was going nowhere then why did you make it apparent that I was? There was no talk about hope in my future it was all yours. Because you wanted me to bleed, bleed my future and hope onto yours so that way your vision would be more true. If I could believe than fuck it eveyone else could. I was your launching gear. One that understood but never given the credit. That’s right your past the launching gear. You just need a dead fault robot that will listen. A teen with no vision but your own. Of course how dare she have her own vision but your own. 

You left me numb, you left me without a trace of my character. Erased with intention.  You made me question my existence. Never been done. Never been seen so raw. You wanted this. You wanted me dropped without any armor left. Naked in the streets. You gather a crowd only to point, standing high on your poorly built pedestal. Trust me honey I feel the shame. Shame that was manufactured carefully crafted in your rough hands.

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Holy Hell

New age, I have a lot of key ideas I want to express in this new chapter. I was stuck for awhile seeking out new ways in order for me to write and have this experience to help, heal people. I went through a phase of writers block. I had no idea that my prayers for new understands was going to be this alarming in such an unsettling triggering way. Through those wishes it came along the most challenging, emotionally traumatizing, and painful year of my entire life. I’m still in this healing and recovery processes.

I want to say first off this isn’t a post for anything in particular. It’s simply a memo from me, that the drive to write and teach has been beamed fucking blinding light into my vision. The positive has been my main focus other than healing. I’ve slowly been diving into the trauma as time passes and I’m able to come from a more humble place. This past year has given me a load of sufferings. Plenty I will explain with each posting. Every idea I have in mind at this very moment requires many chapters. I’ve shared in the past that I’ve been working on a book for awhile now. This blog is sort of my rough draft. What I’m most thankful that came from all this trauma and suffering was a new found inspiration of writing and teachings. With this is a new ability to balance my spirit and reality. Coming onto a new discovering of understanding of balance. Because my extremes tend to fall very much off the deep end. My experience this past year has taken away my innocence along with much more. Therefor my writing has a more of direct approach now, along with of a more reality base. Because so many different types of people go through the same experiences and express they’re out comings and healing different. I want to be open and to reach all types. With the blessings of my virgin undergoing I have welcomed my intuition back with a bang. After all I’ve held back so much voice from a very loud mind. But now I’m able too scream, cry, and act. Bringing that all to my writing.

The person that craves more. No new challenges then becomes toxic to the craves of addiction. Blindsiding their own strong qualities. In order to feel accepted into a persons life that wasn’t fit for such power. As healers we become this powerhouse for vampires, psychopaths, and any other dramatic intoxicating person that shows no true sense of self. In the future I will most definitly be going into this subject. I just want you all to know you’re not alone. I’ve spoken to a lot of my friends and it seems 2019 was. a rough year for us all. It’s like all of our moon signs did a collab tv show of just how fucked up shit can get. It seems the whole goal was to make sure we hit below rock bottom. Alright after all this, My main goal was to just tell all of you wonderful people that I’m back in the best way possible. I have so many new ideas and writing prompts that I can’t wait to express to you all. My motivation is higher then ever for my writing. More to come xoxo

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Here I am

So as you’ve noticed I’ve taken some time off from here and from all other socials for a bit. After everything I went through in the past year I thought it was best to take a step back from writing and really take a look at myself in depth. Durning my trip I started reading a lot more as well as practicing meditations.  You wouldn’t believe the enlightening moments I’ve had this past few months really discovering what needed to be uncovered. One of the biggest things was realizing that I myself have changed dramatically.

After reading a page from Oprahs book The wisdom of Sundays which the the article was the conversation from Tony Robbins, another great influential mind.  Oprah asks “what is the number one rules you would offer someone to becoming their most authentic self? Because thats really what we’re all looking for. How do I just be more of me?”

Tony Robbins- “I think its allowing yourself to be spontaneous instead of responding to how you think your supposed to be, we’ve all developed an identity, a sense of who we think we are and who we’re not. You define yourself not only by who you think you are but also by who you’re not. and those definitions were usually made ten, twenty, thirty, forty years ago. And we rarely upgrade them unless we have an abrupt experience that makes us reevaluate our lives. So to consciously decide, “who am I today? What do I stand for? What am I here for? What am I here to give? What am I here to learn? What am I here to grow? What am I here to enjoy? And to spontaneously try things.”

Alrighty so the rest is in her book there but the main thing that stood out was the fact that as we grow we change. Not only our values but our source of thought. I have come to learn that we all and me especially need to slow down and really value who we are after everything. I tried so hard to be the  innocent girl that everyone adored the one who broke to many hearts, in a not so forgiving way. Over that course of time I was proving and pushing that she still existed.  But not looking at my self in reflection and seeing what monster really was proven to be me.

After the summer I had taken off to relax and connect with myself again. I noticed as I was trying to prove something like I was before. I didn’t understand, I felt a little better I was getting sleep. Making healthier choices. Wasn’t letting myself be treated unfairly by others. Just thinking shouldn’t I feel more motived, inspired, or enlightened. So I decided to go back to main sources of books that made me feel the best of all ways. Which are Lightworrker Relationships and also Lightworker by my absolute favorite Sahvanna Arienta. It came to show how I’ve shut down channels to my heart chakra. Which results in not channeling any love energy from any source. Then the shut down begins as you’re not able to attract the healthy love energy. Shutting down one of your seven heart chakras causes you to over use over absorb all the other channels. Resulting in an unbalanced energy frequency. After failed connected and wrong attractions,  I told myself I was needed to work on myself in depth. Not knowing that was a voice of ego. Proving and pushing the fact that I didn’t accept how my relationships were going. Protecting myself from heart break. It wasn’t all wrong I did need some time for myself to really get back in balance. But approaching the wrong way. Not letting myself be vulnerable to the truth, becoming a victim in my story. It struck me as my sister and I get into discussion. She tells me as she trying to heal old wounds that she need to forgive the girl that did this and that. Putting herself in third person was an enlightening moment for me. I realized as I try to prove I’m this person that is healthier and wiser. So focused on proving because that image of the hurt and exhausted girl was still there, bothering me. Knowing damn well if I did all the work of healing I wouldn’t be this frustrated with what I once was. Next step is to heal and forgive the voice of my past. I may not be there yet but as cheesy as I could put it life will always be throwing you in the direction of growth and lessons.

I see how this post is not like my others. I was guided to get my sense of story out here for you guys. I’ll be sure to write through all my lessons and enlightenment. Thank you for reading, and of course I wish you all the warming light and positive energy frequency.

 

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Common Grounds

Today as I arrived at the local second hand bookstore I dive straight for the spiritual section. As for me its hard to just pick out a random book and settle into it. I take sweet time to research. In this being on vacation thing I decided to give a few randoms a try. I gave faith and prayer that I would learn and hear what I needed. Sure enough I started to read and the way it was structured was how I started building this blog. To help people understand my beliefs and thoughts a little better without having all the background knowledge. One page had me spark all interests. “We do not require you to believe anything we teach. You may accept or not, as you see fit.” It goes on to say many people do as they say to do or a person says to do because their end result was so pleasing. But in todays world we are changing, evolving faster then ever now. We know so much more within each new age. So why put a limitation on what’s possible.

In todays world we’ve been so prone to have that instant gratification that we never really slow down to think and question why my body feels the ways it does. Or how this make me feel? It’s more about the easy no thought solution. Causing all of us to lead on this pattern of hurt, feeling ill, struggle with oneself. Feeding us the common answers. Pretty soon our world will all have gone to the common. Leading the true fact of us all being different lost. You think you know yourself? Or do you know your common self? The one with little to no thought? The truth is we must find a balance, but your own. There’re so many simple ways to center yourself to make sure we can get on a level with balance for our individual selves. It takes time so thats how many are driven to the instant lifestyle. Focus on your clarity, reminding you to be curious about you, the acts, the outcomes, the physical, and mental feeling. Biggest step to changing any part of your life around.

I encourage many on seeing other points of views. Being open to any opportunity that you may be pulled towards. Yes its very nice to have guidance from someone or something but do not settle for that being the only answer. Whats great about this world is every little thing can spark many different interests in us all. Many times I found myself only being guided by my mother which of course she is a great teacher and amazing person that have become very inspirational with every word we share. Soon as I opened up to a little more I saw how I can flourish on my own. Then my spiritual voice seemed to be louder. I was able to guided by my angels more.  Because I had the confidence the faith. So please never settle for the common in this world. Your choice on how you want to see this universe, how you want it to treat you.

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Closure and Accepting

As we try to move on and heal, at most its very hard when they’re is no closure involved. As if it burns and stings for longer. Damaging your next relationship/friendship. One way that helps is to understand your own point of view. To give attention to what you can gain and move forward. I tend to write these people a hand written letter.  Telling exactly how you feel and without catering to their opinion. Just exactly what went on and how you felt. Don’t send it. Its only for you to take a step in accepting. Before gaining any sense of closure you have to first begin with you. Because you were also a huge part of the relationship. It might simply be that you needed more than what that person could  provide.

One of my most recent relationships I’d discovered how blinded I had become. Caring and giving much much more than what I was able to provide to have a healthy self. All my attention went into helping this person. In the end I had no energy to see what was happening. I had weakened the strongest part of me. I was brainwashed by this person who was of afraid of me. Afraid because they knew damn well I deserved more. Selfish, So he could keep my bright light all to himself. It wasn’t until I became the angerist I’d ever have been since I was a young girl before my knowledge of how powerful I could be.  I lost me. I wrote a little something on tumblr one night and it sorta struck me hard. Why did I let this person poison me? How was I able to ignore this much anger?

I say this all sounding like he’s a horrible person but he really isn’t. I was more mad at myself for letting this happen. He is a great guy, just wasn’t able to provide what I needed. Didn’t know how to care for a person like me. How am I to be angry at a person who simply doesn’t know better. Thats never had experience with a women who really can understand and accept a lot more. Part of me gave up near the end. I began to lash out without giving a reason. I was short, distant, and angry. How was he suppose to fix anything if I never gave him a chance to know?

Each relationship shows you more about yourself then ever. Please don’t chose to ignore once its all over. This is the time when you can become so much more whole.  To begin a better life for you. The more you know you, then the better the next person will know you and cater to your wellbeing.

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The love day

First of all happy love day! A lot of people tend to not be grateful for this day due to the fact that its resombles love. Which they attach the word and feeling of love to a person.  Causing them a cloud of unhappy emotions. At the same time they choose that. Today is a day about love, your amazing heart. Not about relationships. There is love in almost everything you do. Its a day to celebrate the excitment the passion there love in everything you do. Be cheerful today knowing your heart is shinning, gifting, the universe with joy. There is oh so much love in the air. Sometimes its harder to find because you seem to be so fixed on an outcome or idea that is not quite meant for you in this moment, time. We all have hurt in us but you can choose how you let the universe see it and know it. So on this day be grateful knowing you have the ability to love. That in itself has the power to heal many wounds.

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Discover

There is only so much you can do mentally before you realize the change needs to happen physically. Challenges are where we make the best new versions of ourselves. Giving us the growth and tools to help heal. As for me I’ve pushed my clarity of thought for needing this dramatic change. I brainwashed to think I could do it all here. See the same people and do the same thing, where it seems as if you’ve become a robot to your own life. Not wanting or wishing for newer goals. Trying to stay afloat with the old ones that already have been much to accomplished. As you ignore, the body kicks into gear giving you the pain and sickness no one can explain.

About a week ago I caught up with some old friends and also meeting new ones. It just dawned on me. We all have this inspiring image to be. You forget that people are capable of bounding with your deep spirit. People that you shouldn’t expect to come about but as humans we do. Talking about true meaningful depths.  Made me come to a realization that my time, energy, and soul power was being wasted on things also people that were not able to provide what my healing needed. So I bit the bullet and did what seemed the hardest to do. I explained that my purpose was not being used here. I’ve grown and lost a person from my everyday job. Giving up and catering to people because it seemed easiest but also expected in my stance.

As I’ve said before I tend to run my best when I make rash decisions. Because without much thought then the less expectations  get put into this weighted basket. If the basket falls not much of a disappointment can be emtionally triggered towards your being. So that being sad with no real plan. (As my mom says) “Haven never really has a plan but always ends up somewhere beautiful”. I booked myself a one way ticket to Australia. Not sure where this land will take me or what great imagery will change me. I’m just beyond thrilled that I know I’m finally on the path for striving for more. Bettering myself without ignoring the fears.

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Roots

Sometimes we get so consumed by this world. Our money, jobs, families and friends that we forget and slowly lose who we are. Almost 8 months ago I was probably at my peak with my relationship with myself but through other influences, stress, and also the feeling of loneliness. That I began to spiral out of my realm of who I was and what true things made me ME. It got to the point where I felt it was to exhausting to zone in on myself and ignore the hurt I have been feeling. I went back to my roots and started to look back on my old research. What made me so strong then? What steps did I take to attract what I wanted?

First thing I knew to do was write about what I love about myself. I started writing then realizing half way through that this wasn’t me anymore. As much as I wanted it to be me. So then I asked for spiritual guidance. Asking my higher power what I could do to find myself again. Then it dinged. I’ve given so much of my time for people that were in need that their energy started to ware off on me. Creating this thought process that wasn’t my own. I’m still the same crazy goofy girl I know just a little more tired and of course more educated by all my experiences that have taught me so much. Its hard to remind yourself that quiet time with your being is a must. You have to ignore the voice saying you don’t have the time or energy to deal with these things. Its crazy how much time we waste by thinking this logic. You could have figured a lot about yourself by now if you didn’t ignore or push that feeling away.

I encourage to write because its the most powerful thing you can do in this lifetime. Its something you can learn from. Making history with yourself and emotions. Its crazy to look back on my journal to hear my voice as I was writing seeing the place I was in. To know I’ve came a long way from that person gives so much confidence in my future. Also you forget as time goes on the little things that help you get back on track. Be brave and write exactly what you wish and need. Time goes on you see everything has a purpose. You see how things just fit perfectly for your certain soul. Never think this universe isn’t on your side because it is. You just have to look deep. It shows plenty record.