Not sure where I stand at the moment. I know I always apologize for never writing but that’s my nature. I feel bad for anyone that I don’t reach for or feel bad that I take my own time even though I know its healthy for me. I still feel horrible for never being what I used to be.
Thats actually a huge subject that’s been weighing heavy with me. Not being the best as I was.
I’ve wrote so much this past year but just don’t have the guts anymore or the fear or lack of energy. The thing is ever since Colorado I noticed a huge change in my lack of energy for anything anymore. Which is sad. But I value my health more than ever lately and my energy cycle is completely different than it ever has been. Thats why I’m mostly sorry. I used to be able to punch out my feelings and words of wisdom like no other with no doubts but now its me trying to regain energy to even get out of bed. Let me tell you a traumatic relationship can really carry on years later. Even if you’re totally over every situation and the person. The thing is I carry so much within myself. That I always reflect on myself first and only. So the blame and hate always goes back to me. Even though I knew it wasn’t true, when I came back I was all about blame. Time went on and it wasn’t blame I felt. It was all the realization of letting me hurt myself the way I did. It was hard to except that I didn’t have control.
Being in this new relationship but also not new. Its crazy how drastic it all changed within my intent. I tried to write so much of how it became to be. To give hope to others being stuck after a toxic trait of living. I was able to write so deep about my pain and past but not how deep within my new man came to be. Eventually I’ll be able to write about that without refection so hard on the past. The biggest struggle that I’ve had lately is not being okay with how I’m not the better person anymore. My boyfriend is literally the best I could have ever asked for. As Im trying to get to the main struggle I have right now, is that why I don’t have so much more energy for shitty people in my life? Like I went beyond words for these people that never gave me anything. Now I have the best person in my life and I want to give him everything and beyond because I know he deserves it more than anyone. I just feel so burnt out from people that I feel so sorry that he has to have me in this condition.
I used to always be so on-top of everything and now its like I get the bare-minimum done. I also share that I work a different hormonal scale. I realize that now, also so much apart of me feels horribly bad. My head doesn’t want to accept that its my best right now because my old best was so much better before. Dealing with these new symptoms of not knowing what the hell it does to my personal energy. This sucks..! I used to always mediate, work on my yoga and belly dancing. Before I left for Colorado my only concerns were will I ever find my inner peace? Will I ever find my passion? But most of all will I ever find love? It’s sad to think of my main energy focus when I left. Mostly cuz I see myself now and the mistakes that were made, they carry heavy more than ever.
After reflecting everything in my life, being 23 now I realize all my friendships and relationships were not what I thought. I was mostly abused by manipulative. Whats sad is that I thought it was okay, because I saw there light and they didn’t. they used me for my light and now I want to share my light with someone that actually deserves it and I feel burnt out. Out of everything that makes me feel the worst. Is that I used all my young bright energy on people that never really cared in the end. Now I have the love of my life and I want to prove that I can do better all the time. Because right now I feel this isn’t how it should be. Ive been writing my book but its so hard when I feel like I’m not even doing my best at home. Maybe I put too much pressure on myself. I just know I’m not doing the best I can right now. Thats very frustrating.
If you read this then thank you, I have many other things to write just have a hard time. Because I loved my early work, I don’t want to let that girl down. I just know I have a-lot of new life under my belt. Mostly trauma stuff which I’m not able to develop the process of things that had happened just yet. Hopefully I have the oppurtunity to work in therapy again. I know that would change some views instead of working in my own brain. Love you all thank you.