Have you ever felt so empty, numb, and tight? Wanting to discover more of that sensation but end up at a dead end? After gone through a traumatic relationship that you feel as if everything left to discover was to blame? Reliving stories of hurt just to feel something again. Fantasying about the past and futures that collide with the trauma just so something makes sense.
As someone that just got out of a serious relationship with a narcissist, borderline personality, Cluster B disorder individual. I’ve lived a dramatic part that many liked to say they haven’t. Its so common with these types of experiences to shut down the body, mindfulness, and ultimently unconditional love. The love we can only receive within truly ourselves and spirit. Eventually we can only describe ourselves as numb. The hole we dug is so deep that there is no image of hope in climbing out. The shame and the protective self has a hold on the view of seeing that sun. We as humans deal with trauma in so many ways. Distracting ourselves as much as possible. For so long I thought my distractions were healthy ones. I’ve always wanted to help others, this has always been my role. I’ve had so much breakthroughs in my life and aha moments that I felt like it was my duty to share it all. Because why on earth would I want another young soul to go through half the crap I did and not have the tools I do. In all honestly I really do love helping and I love to write about deep things. These aha moments shouldn’t just be kept to myself. As I climb back into my writing I’ve taken a new path. One I think that will really benefit the future.
I want to remind you all that I still struggle and still am working hard on myself. The journey of healing is a never ending one. But getting past the protective self and into the depth of the core wound is my main focus. Before I felt like I was making up problems and putting myself in situations where I could just write about the solutions. So that I had that experience for teachings. That was all manufactured, although I do stand by all my writings of teaching. The manufactured ways can no longer serve me or others. What I feel and teach are 100 percent pure. Last year I dug myself 7 layers deeper in my hole. I stopped my curiosity and fell into a distraction of an ill relationship. When I fell so deep and finally tried to bomb my way out the discovery of how far I was only made me lose hope in everything I believed to be as me. Lost identity drove me into a numb unpleasant feeling. I wasn’t allowing myself to hurt over the right things. My view was severally disoriented. I mean how could you trust yourself after someone you believed to have loved you and would do nothing to hurt you totally break your trust and go above and beyond to lie about everything you built. Not only invalidate every feeling you had but still put a burden of saying I’m the one to blame. It’s crazy how the mind works once love is in the view.
One of my aha moments was when I realized my healing techniques were based around an affirmation I had no idea was one I was placing myself upon. I’ve always love helping to heal but the affirmation was “I’m strong enough so I can take this pain, I can handle it.” Yes I am strong but I shouldn’t be obligated to take on others pain just because I can handle it. Therefor I’m just asking for pain and that’s all I could attract. Apart of being strong is knowing your boundaries. One thing I’ve struggled with my whole life. Fearing of saying no and having someone be disappointed in me or even losing them. Disrespecting myself in so many ways because it’s easier. We all tell ourselves that there is time for ourselves later. But how do we know we’ve gone too far? Is it when we’re the ones left feeling abandon and rejected? Or is it before all the madness happens? Do we take the time to ask ourselves the simple questions before the fight or flight mode kicks in? The key is balance with equal time you can start to respect your boundaries before hell breaks out.
As always I promise to continue writing. This is a safe place for everyone. I love to hear any stories or questions. My main focus as of right now is myself, nurturing my soul, and learning to be kind to myself through this healing. Also this is a great tool I use in writing my book. Currently working but still never easy to find inspiration some days. The book I am reading and almost finished with right now is Whole again by the same author as I mentioned in my current post Psychopath Free great author Jackson MacKenzie. In my personal opinion Whole Again puts the best of healing from very toxic relationships. It focuses on you and your healing rather than the focus of the relationship. It gives ground breaking advise about how and why you got to where you are from this toxic experience.